Tuesday, February 17, 2009
♥ I Don't Want To Be Where You Are
I haven't updated in forever so I guess we're long overdue for an emo post. I think my little buddy might hate me. I love him to pieces, but ever since I started being a creepy stalker he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
I'm not creepily stalking him, just his older brother...much of which I cut out.
It's like, I don't give a crap what his brother thinks about me and I'm crushing on him like for real and for serious, but I care so much what my little buddy thinks of me. I feel like if he doesn't like me then I'm not a good role model.
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do and it's sad D:.
I'm not creepily stalking him, just his older brother...much of which I cut out.
It's like, I don't give a crap what his brother thinks about me and I'm crushing on him like for real and for serious, but I care so much what my little buddy thinks of me. I feel like if he doesn't like me then I'm not a good role model.
I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do and it's sad D:.
please take this feelings for her inside?
2:51 PM
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2:51 PM
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Saturday, February 7, 2009
♥ You're Killing Me Inside
I have to do this on my own? You told me you were the one teaching! I agreed to be your assistant! Now you make me teach just because I offended you by correcting your pronunciation on a word?!
Now you're not even helping me plan the lesson because you'd rather hang out with your backstabbing friends?
Let me tell you something! YOU'RE A LOUSY BEST FRIEND.
I had to hang out with someone's MOM today (not that I mind, I love Leslie...just her son is like 15 and so not cute and she's like almost my mom's age) because you LEFT ME HANGING.
Not to MENTION you STOLE MY SHOES.
I am SO MAD AT YOU.
Now you're not even helping me plan the lesson because you'd rather hang out with your backstabbing friends?
Let me tell you something! YOU'RE A LOUSY BEST FRIEND.
I had to hang out with someone's MOM today (not that I mind, I love Leslie...just her son is like 15 and so not cute and she's like almost my mom's age) because you LEFT ME HANGING.
Not to MENTION you STOLE MY SHOES.
I am SO MAD AT YOU.
please take this feelings for her inside?
9:32 PM
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9:32 PM
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Friday, February 6, 2009
♥ It's Killing You Inside
I'm debating on telling my friends about this blog. Some (see: all) of them might get offended, extremely so. Which sucks, tch.
Today it's my favorite person in the whole wide world's birthday. His name is Josh and he's the total cutest fourteen year old evar.
My contacts are getting a little weird because I haven't slept so I probably can't spell. Rawr.
My friend stayed over and I'm really depressed and when I'm depressed, I sleep, but apparently she wants to stay up all night and I'm about to start crying. I'm so not in the mood for this right now.
*just spent ten minutes staring off into space*...
How about I embed a video and move on with my life?
PORN HOUNDS!!!! Lol.
Today it's my favorite person in the whole wide world's birthday. His name is Josh and he's the total cutest fourteen year old evar.
My contacts are getting a little weird because I haven't slept so I probably can't spell. Rawr.
My friend stayed over and I'm really depressed and when I'm depressed, I sleep, but apparently she wants to stay up all night and I'm about to start crying. I'm so not in the mood for this right now.
*just spent ten minutes staring off into space*...
How about I embed a video and move on with my life?
PORN HOUNDS!!!! Lol.
please take this feelings for her inside?
8:25 AM
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8:25 AM
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Thursday, February 5, 2009
♥ It's Killing Me Inside
I wondered randomly what I would say about myself in a character meme.
Full name of Character: Cara Morgan.
Reason, meaning or purpose behind the name: Cara means friend (yeaaaaah) and Morgan means ocean.
Nickname: Calimari Rockin, That Girl.
Reason for nickname: Mrr.
Social class: Lower Middle Class.
Physical Appearance
Age: 18.
How old they appear: 18-30.
Eye Color: Brown.
Glasses or contacts? Both.
Hair color length and style: Color is auburn. Length is medium. Style is classy emo.
Weight and height: Gross and short.
Type of body (build): Marshmallow.
Skin tone and type: Tone is paleyish...yellow? There are skin types? Normal? White? Not of hispanic origin?
Shape of face: Round XD.
Distinguishing marks: Scratches from her cat, beak of a nose.
Is s/he healthy? Ish.
Do they look healthy? No.
Favorites
Favorite color: Rainbow.
Least favorite, why? None.
Music: Anberlin, rock, screamo, hard-core.
Least favorite music, why? Miley Cyrus, rap, poppyishnastical because.
Food: Sushi.
Literature: Books, romance, violence, thrillers, historical.
Expressions: Fake smile, eyetwitch, pissy.
Expletives (curse): ...
Mode of transport: Feet, car.
Personality
Are they a daredevil or cautious: Honestly, it depends on the situation.
Do they act the same alone as when with someone? No.
Habits: Faking it.
Drinks: Stuff.
How much: All the time.
Greatest Strength: Faking it.
Greatest Weakness: Arrogance, being fake, inability to understand herself.
Soft spot: Compassion.
Is their soft spot obvious, why/why not: No.
If not, how do they hide it: By being mean.
Biggest Vulnerability: Love.
Background
Hometown: Yakima
Type of childhood: Overlooked.
First Memory: A glass doorknob.
Most important child hood event that still effects him/her: Molestation.
Why? Because.
Education: Highschool.
Religion: Christianity.
Finances: Broke.
FamilyMother/Father: Keith and Doran.
Siblings, How many, relationship with each: 4. Gary, distant. Jennifer, distant. Liz, closeish. Ben, close.
Attitude
Most at ease when: Alone.
Most ill at ease when: With people.
Priorities: Being a leader for God.
Philosophies: Yeah.
How they feel about themselves: She likes herself, but she doesn't like herself. Who I am hates who I've been...in reverse.
Why? Yeah.
If granted one wish what would it be, why? To just go ahead and die so she can go to Heaven.
Traits
Optimist or pessimist? Mrr
Why? Mrr.
Introvert or extrovert? Why? Closet introvert who became an extrovert because she apparenly feeds off other people's emotions.
Talents: Lying, cheating, and backstabbign.
Extremely skilled at: Backstabbing.
Extremely unskilled at: Being loyal and reliable. Understanding herself.
Good characteristics: ...Compassion.
Character flaws: Everything else.
Mannerisms: Proper.
Peculiarities: A lot of things.
Biggest regret: Sex.
Minor regrets: Yeah.
Biggest accomplishment: Coming to God.
Minor accomplishments: Being alive.
Darkest secret: She doesn't know herself anymore.
Does anyone know? Not thus far.
How did they find out: No.
Self-perception
One word they would use to describe themselves: Boring.
One paragraph of how they would describe themselves: She doesn't have time for this crap.
What do they consider their best physical characteristic and why: Mrr.
The worst one? Why? MRR.
Are they realistic assessments? Lol.
If not, why not? Mrr.
How they think others perceive them: Boring, a waste of time, arrogant, smart.
What four things would they most like to change about themselves: Those four other than smart.
How do they relate to others: Not very well even though she can fake it pretty well.
How are they perceived by strangers: Arrogant.
Wife/husband/lover: No.
What do they dislike most about them: No.
Goals: Yeah.
Problems/Crisis
How do they react in a crisis: Depends. On one hand she could freak out. On the other hand she would probably be the calmest one.
How do they face problems: Yes.
Kind of problems they usually run into: Relationship issues, not being able to rely on God.
How they react to new problems: Mrr.
How they react to change: Depends.
General
Favorite clothing, why: Jeans and a nice shirt because.
Least favorite, why: Yeah.
Jewelry: None.
Where do they live: Here.
Yay.
Full name of Character: Cara Morgan.
Reason, meaning or purpose behind the name: Cara means friend (yeaaaaah) and Morgan means ocean.
Nickname: Calimari Rockin, That Girl.
Reason for nickname: Mrr.
Social class: Lower Middle Class.
Physical Appearance
Age: 18.
How old they appear: 18-30.
Eye Color: Brown.
Glasses or contacts? Both.
Hair color length and style: Color is auburn. Length is medium. Style is classy emo.
Weight and height: Gross and short.
Type of body (build): Marshmallow.
Skin tone and type: Tone is paleyish...yellow? There are skin types? Normal? White? Not of hispanic origin?
Shape of face: Round XD.
Distinguishing marks: Scratches from her cat, beak of a nose.
Is s/he healthy? Ish.
Do they look healthy? No.
Favorites
Favorite color: Rainbow.
Least favorite, why? None.
Music: Anberlin, rock, screamo, hard-core.
Least favorite music, why? Miley Cyrus, rap, poppyishnastical because.
Food: Sushi.
Literature: Books, romance, violence, thrillers, historical.
Expressions: Fake smile, eyetwitch, pissy.
Expletives (curse): ...
Mode of transport: Feet, car.
Personality
Are they a daredevil or cautious: Honestly, it depends on the situation.
Do they act the same alone as when with someone? No.
Habits: Faking it.
Drinks: Stuff.
How much: All the time.
Greatest Strength: Faking it.
Greatest Weakness: Arrogance, being fake, inability to understand herself.
Soft spot: Compassion.
Is their soft spot obvious, why/why not: No.
If not, how do they hide it: By being mean.
Biggest Vulnerability: Love.
Background
Hometown: Yakima
Type of childhood: Overlooked.
First Memory: A glass doorknob.
Most important child hood event that still effects him/her: Molestation.
Why? Because.
Education: Highschool.
Religion: Christianity.
Finances: Broke.
FamilyMother/Father: Keith and Doran.
Siblings, How many, relationship with each: 4. Gary, distant. Jennifer, distant. Liz, closeish. Ben, close.
Attitude
Most at ease when: Alone.
Most ill at ease when: With people.
Priorities: Being a leader for God.
Philosophies: Yeah.
How they feel about themselves: She likes herself, but she doesn't like herself. Who I am hates who I've been...in reverse.
Why? Yeah.
If granted one wish what would it be, why? To just go ahead and die so she can go to Heaven.
Traits
Optimist or pessimist? Mrr
Why? Mrr.
Introvert or extrovert? Why? Closet introvert who became an extrovert because she apparenly feeds off other people's emotions.
Talents: Lying, cheating, and backstabbign.
Extremely skilled at: Backstabbing.
Extremely unskilled at: Being loyal and reliable. Understanding herself.
Good characteristics: ...Compassion.
Character flaws: Everything else.
Mannerisms: Proper.
Peculiarities: A lot of things.
Biggest regret: Sex.
Minor regrets: Yeah.
Biggest accomplishment: Coming to God.
Minor accomplishments: Being alive.
Darkest secret: She doesn't know herself anymore.
Does anyone know? Not thus far.
How did they find out: No.
Self-perception
One word they would use to describe themselves: Boring.
One paragraph of how they would describe themselves: She doesn't have time for this crap.
What do they consider their best physical characteristic and why: Mrr.
The worst one? Why? MRR.
Are they realistic assessments? Lol.
If not, why not? Mrr.
How they think others perceive them: Boring, a waste of time, arrogant, smart.
What four things would they most like to change about themselves: Those four other than smart.
How do they relate to others: Not very well even though she can fake it pretty well.
How are they perceived by strangers: Arrogant.
Wife/husband/lover: No.
What do they dislike most about them: No.
Goals: Yeah.
Problems/Crisis
How do they react in a crisis: Depends. On one hand she could freak out. On the other hand she would probably be the calmest one.
How do they face problems: Yes.
Kind of problems they usually run into: Relationship issues, not being able to rely on God.
How they react to new problems: Mrr.
How they react to change: Depends.
General
Favorite clothing, why: Jeans and a nice shirt because.
Least favorite, why: Yeah.
Jewelry: None.
Where do they live: Here.
Yay.
Labels: memes
please take this feelings for her inside?
7:11 PM
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7:11 PM
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♥ Thirst For Substance Somehow Isn't Right
Have you ever had one of those days when you just wake up and you don't want to be yourself? You realize that you've done so much bad in your life without realizing it and then once you know you've done bad you can't fix any of it.
I tried to change myself four years ago and I screwed up. Now that I think about it I would've been better off not having friends. I give people titles in my life and I play it up like they matter to me, but I'd drop them in a second. Why am I so hard to get along with?
Blah. Why am I in this perpetual pit of despair? I'm so tired of all of this. I mean, this is just like my oldest Livejournal now that I think about it. I honestly only get on blogs to whine. Wow. Maybe I should post some writing or pictures of things I like or doodles or fanfiction mockeries.
orrrr some excerpts from Persecution. Yay. Now I finally have a place to post them ♥. But for now I'm done.
I tried to change myself four years ago and I screwed up. Now that I think about it I would've been better off not having friends. I give people titles in my life and I play it up like they matter to me, but I'd drop them in a second. Why am I so hard to get along with?
Blah. Why am I in this perpetual pit of despair? I'm so tired of all of this. I mean, this is just like my oldest Livejournal now that I think about it. I honestly only get on blogs to whine. Wow. Maybe I should post some writing or pictures of things I like or doodles or fanfiction mockeries.
orrrr some excerpts from Persecution. Yay. Now I finally have a place to post them ♥. But for now I'm done.
please take this feelings for her inside?
6:56 PM
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6:56 PM
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♥ 'Cause Your Heart Seems So Cold Tonight
I use people. I don't like admitting it, but I use people. The friends I have right now are for my convenience. I use people, I hurt people, I get rid of people. I don't mean to be like that, in fact, I remember when my mom was talking to my sister Jennifer about being that way back when I was around the age of 6 or maybe 7.
My thoughts on that conversation went like this: "That's so cruel, but don't I do the same thing with my friends?" A seven year old. Seven and I was using people.
I've been back-stabbed a lot in my life, which is no excuse, but it also makes me incapable of trust. I can trust some to most people easilly, which sounds kind of contradictory, but I'm getting to that point. After I trust you, tell you some secrets...there's a time where I get bored with you. Where I don't want you in my life anymore. So I throw you away.
The reason? There's a lot of those. You might've gotten too close, you might have said something to offend me, or you might've just run out of whatever I was using you for. Do I keep friends just to pin my emotions on them? I might do that, y'know. I'm so incredibly stupid.
Just in the past few days I've learned that one of my friends who wasn't really my friend was spreading rumors about me. So you know what I did? Dropped all my current friends and decided I was going to be hanging out with different people.
It's like, they don't mean anything to me. My friends mean nothing to me. I make myself sick when it comes to relationships. Why do I use people like this? Why do I do this to myself.
Douche-bag of the year. The End.
My thoughts on that conversation went like this: "That's so cruel, but don't I do the same thing with my friends?" A seven year old. Seven and I was using people.
I've been back-stabbed a lot in my life, which is no excuse, but it also makes me incapable of trust. I can trust some to most people easilly, which sounds kind of contradictory, but I'm getting to that point. After I trust you, tell you some secrets...there's a time where I get bored with you. Where I don't want you in my life anymore. So I throw you away.
The reason? There's a lot of those. You might've gotten too close, you might have said something to offend me, or you might've just run out of whatever I was using you for. Do I keep friends just to pin my emotions on them? I might do that, y'know. I'm so incredibly stupid.
Just in the past few days I've learned that one of my friends who wasn't really my friend was spreading rumors about me. So you know what I did? Dropped all my current friends and decided I was going to be hanging out with different people.
It's like, they don't mean anything to me. My friends mean nothing to me. I make myself sick when it comes to relationships. Why do I use people like this? Why do I do this to myself.
Douche-bag of the year. The End.
Labels: church, emo, family, friends, God, jwmwws, rants, youth group
please take this feelings for her inside?
2:53 PM
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2:53 PM
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Wednesday, February 4, 2009
♥ Could The Winter Calm Come Twice
The D'Aniello story: full and unedited torture.
It all began almost two years ago in April of 2007. I went to a youth conference called Anomaly with my old church Youth. My sister Jennifer was my youth leader at that time, but that isn't incredibly important.
You know how you do when you go to a new church? You look around for some cute guys/girls? I was sitting there at the church (that I'm a member of right now because I changed churches) and doing that. That's when I see D'Aniello. Yeah. My first thought was "He's kinda cute" then I turn to the girl who I had a crush on at that time and sit through this amazing church service.
It was awesome, by the way. And then I go away for...wait a second. I'm wrong. It's almost three years. This happened in April of '06, didn't it? Whatever. It happened either almost two or almost three years ago.
So I think that about him and that's that, period.
A year later (or maybe not even a year) I meet him again when I visit that church in December. I see him and think the same thing about him. "He's kind of cute" then I go on with my life. I first started crushing on him in February when I finally had a chance to talk to him. He's a funny guy. I like funny guys. Then I find out that he's smart and I was sold.
I had some people point my in his direction. Like they'd mention him to me, but I wouldn't know who he was. And I remember talking to him once or twice and I just really liked him. Then the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know him, and the less I liked him.
Honestly, he was more fun when we didn't know each other all that well. He's so quiet and he doesn't know how to have friendships or relationships with anyone. I don't know why it bothers me so much, usually I'd leave people like him alone...but I'm not.
Anyways, back to the story. Then around...was it a year or was it...wow, I'm so confused. I think Anomaly was 2006 because I dated Yuki in 2007 around March...or was that 2008? Wait...Anomaly was in 2007...I AM SO CONFUSED! O-o;.
Anyhow, all you need to know is that I started dating this girl. I forgot all about my stupid crush on D'Aniello and moved on. I was happy with this girl. I didn't want to give her up. I mean, she was my best friend for three years before I asked her out.
I wish I hadn't. Honestly, I love her as a friend, but I wish I hadn't. I just made so much grief for myself. It was so painful.
But in, like, May I broke up with her. We dated for two months. The first person I talk to after I break up with her is D'Aniello. The first time I hugged him. I looked like crap, I remember. And this is where the attachment started. He tried to cheer me up because I was upset. And this is where the transfer of all these undealt with feelings ended up going to him.
When it got too hard for me to handle. I told him I liked him. He rejected me like I knew he would and I tried to move on with my life. There was no moving on. I waited until around December and told him again, he rejected me again, which was no big deal, I was expecting it. Then just a few days ago I told him again because I am just not getting this whole rejection thing.
Now, I get it. There isn't anything there. Sure, I find him attractive, sure I might be crushing on him, but not in the degree that I'm thinking I am. There's a lot of stuff I need to deal with.
One: I need to realize that getting molested was not my fault. Two: I need to realize that I don't need to be with someone to make me feel better about myself -- I'm already awesome. Three: Nat and I broke up. Four: Justin doesn't like me. Five: Yuki and I were friends, never meant to be girlfriends. Six: I don't need people to love me to be happy. Seven: I don't need a crush. Eight: I need to deal with my emotions. Nine: Having romantic feelings for someone is a big commitment. Ten: I need to get over it.
And this is just the tip of the iceburg. I make my life so much harder than it needs to be.
The end.
It all began almost two years ago in April of 2007. I went to a youth conference called Anomaly with my old church Youth. My sister Jennifer was my youth leader at that time, but that isn't incredibly important.
You know how you do when you go to a new church? You look around for some cute guys/girls? I was sitting there at the church (that I'm a member of right now because I changed churches) and doing that. That's when I see D'Aniello. Yeah. My first thought was "He's kinda cute" then I turn to the girl who I had a crush on at that time and sit through this amazing church service.
It was awesome, by the way. And then I go away for...wait a second. I'm wrong. It's almost three years. This happened in April of '06, didn't it? Whatever. It happened either almost two or almost three years ago.
So I think that about him and that's that, period.
A year later (or maybe not even a year) I meet him again when I visit that church in December. I see him and think the same thing about him. "He's kind of cute" then I go on with my life. I first started crushing on him in February when I finally had a chance to talk to him. He's a funny guy. I like funny guys. Then I find out that he's smart and I was sold.
I had some people point my in his direction. Like they'd mention him to me, but I wouldn't know who he was. And I remember talking to him once or twice and I just really liked him. Then the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know him, and the less I liked him.
Honestly, he was more fun when we didn't know each other all that well. He's so quiet and he doesn't know how to have friendships or relationships with anyone. I don't know why it bothers me so much, usually I'd leave people like him alone...but I'm not.
Anyways, back to the story. Then around...was it a year or was it...wow, I'm so confused. I think Anomaly was 2006 because I dated Yuki in 2007 around March...or was that 2008? Wait...Anomaly was in 2007...I AM SO CONFUSED! O-o;.
Anyhow, all you need to know is that I started dating this girl. I forgot all about my stupid crush on D'Aniello and moved on. I was happy with this girl. I didn't want to give her up. I mean, she was my best friend for three years before I asked her out.
I wish I hadn't. Honestly, I love her as a friend, but I wish I hadn't. I just made so much grief for myself. It was so painful.
But in, like, May I broke up with her. We dated for two months. The first person I talk to after I break up with her is D'Aniello. The first time I hugged him. I looked like crap, I remember. And this is where the attachment started. He tried to cheer me up because I was upset. And this is where the transfer of all these undealt with feelings ended up going to him.
When it got too hard for me to handle. I told him I liked him. He rejected me like I knew he would and I tried to move on with my life. There was no moving on. I waited until around December and told him again, he rejected me again, which was no big deal, I was expecting it. Then just a few days ago I told him again because I am just not getting this whole rejection thing.
Now, I get it. There isn't anything there. Sure, I find him attractive, sure I might be crushing on him, but not in the degree that I'm thinking I am. There's a lot of stuff I need to deal with.
One: I need to realize that getting molested was not my fault. Two: I need to realize that I don't need to be with someone to make me feel better about myself -- I'm already awesome. Three: Nat and I broke up. Four: Justin doesn't like me. Five: Yuki and I were friends, never meant to be girlfriends. Six: I don't need people to love me to be happy. Seven: I don't need a crush. Eight: I need to deal with my emotions. Nine: Having romantic feelings for someone is a big commitment. Ten: I need to get over it.
And this is just the tip of the iceburg. I make my life so much harder than it needs to be.
The end.
please take this feelings for her inside?
11:13 PM
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11:13 PM
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