Wednesday, February 4, 2009
♥ Could The Winter Calm Come Twice
The D'Aniello story: full and unedited torture.
It all began almost two years ago in April of 2007. I went to a youth conference called Anomaly with my old church Youth. My sister Jennifer was my youth leader at that time, but that isn't incredibly important.
You know how you do when you go to a new church? You look around for some cute guys/girls? I was sitting there at the church (that I'm a member of right now because I changed churches) and doing that. That's when I see D'Aniello. Yeah. My first thought was "He's kinda cute" then I turn to the girl who I had a crush on at that time and sit through this amazing church service.
It was awesome, by the way. And then I go away for...wait a second. I'm wrong. It's almost three years. This happened in April of '06, didn't it? Whatever. It happened either almost two or almost three years ago.
So I think that about him and that's that, period.
A year later (or maybe not even a year) I meet him again when I visit that church in December. I see him and think the same thing about him. "He's kind of cute" then I go on with my life. I first started crushing on him in February when I finally had a chance to talk to him. He's a funny guy. I like funny guys. Then I find out that he's smart and I was sold.
I had some people point my in his direction. Like they'd mention him to me, but I wouldn't know who he was. And I remember talking to him once or twice and I just really liked him. Then the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know him, and the less I liked him.
Honestly, he was more fun when we didn't know each other all that well. He's so quiet and he doesn't know how to have friendships or relationships with anyone. I don't know why it bothers me so much, usually I'd leave people like him alone...but I'm not.
Anyways, back to the story. Then around...was it a year or was it...wow, I'm so confused. I think Anomaly was 2006 because I dated Yuki in 2007 around March...or was that 2008? Wait...Anomaly was in 2007...I AM SO CONFUSED! O-o;.
Anyhow, all you need to know is that I started dating this girl. I forgot all about my stupid crush on D'Aniello and moved on. I was happy with this girl. I didn't want to give her up. I mean, she was my best friend for three years before I asked her out.
I wish I hadn't. Honestly, I love her as a friend, but I wish I hadn't. I just made so much grief for myself. It was so painful.
But in, like, May I broke up with her. We dated for two months. The first person I talk to after I break up with her is D'Aniello. The first time I hugged him. I looked like crap, I remember. And this is where the attachment started. He tried to cheer me up because I was upset. And this is where the transfer of all these undealt with feelings ended up going to him.
When it got too hard for me to handle. I told him I liked him. He rejected me like I knew he would and I tried to move on with my life. There was no moving on. I waited until around December and told him again, he rejected me again, which was no big deal, I was expecting it. Then just a few days ago I told him again because I am just not getting this whole rejection thing.
Now, I get it. There isn't anything there. Sure, I find him attractive, sure I might be crushing on him, but not in the degree that I'm thinking I am. There's a lot of stuff I need to deal with.
One: I need to realize that getting molested was not my fault. Two: I need to realize that I don't need to be with someone to make me feel better about myself -- I'm already awesome. Three: Nat and I broke up. Four: Justin doesn't like me. Five: Yuki and I were friends, never meant to be girlfriends. Six: I don't need people to love me to be happy. Seven: I don't need a crush. Eight: I need to deal with my emotions. Nine: Having romantic feelings for someone is a big commitment. Ten: I need to get over it.
And this is just the tip of the iceburg. I make my life so much harder than it needs to be.
The end.
It all began almost two years ago in April of 2007. I went to a youth conference called Anomaly with my old church Youth. My sister Jennifer was my youth leader at that time, but that isn't incredibly important.
You know how you do when you go to a new church? You look around for some cute guys/girls? I was sitting there at the church (that I'm a member of right now because I changed churches) and doing that. That's when I see D'Aniello. Yeah. My first thought was "He's kinda cute" then I turn to the girl who I had a crush on at that time and sit through this amazing church service.
It was awesome, by the way. And then I go away for...wait a second. I'm wrong. It's almost three years. This happened in April of '06, didn't it? Whatever. It happened either almost two or almost three years ago.
So I think that about him and that's that, period.
A year later (or maybe not even a year) I meet him again when I visit that church in December. I see him and think the same thing about him. "He's kind of cute" then I go on with my life. I first started crushing on him in February when I finally had a chance to talk to him. He's a funny guy. I like funny guys. Then I find out that he's smart and I was sold.
I had some people point my in his direction. Like they'd mention him to me, but I wouldn't know who he was. And I remember talking to him once or twice and I just really liked him. Then the more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know him, and the less I liked him.
Honestly, he was more fun when we didn't know each other all that well. He's so quiet and he doesn't know how to have friendships or relationships with anyone. I don't know why it bothers me so much, usually I'd leave people like him alone...but I'm not.
Anyways, back to the story. Then around...was it a year or was it...wow, I'm so confused. I think Anomaly was 2006 because I dated Yuki in 2007 around March...or was that 2008? Wait...Anomaly was in 2007...I AM SO CONFUSED! O-o;.
Anyhow, all you need to know is that I started dating this girl. I forgot all about my stupid crush on D'Aniello and moved on. I was happy with this girl. I didn't want to give her up. I mean, she was my best friend for three years before I asked her out.
I wish I hadn't. Honestly, I love her as a friend, but I wish I hadn't. I just made so much grief for myself. It was so painful.
But in, like, May I broke up with her. We dated for two months. The first person I talk to after I break up with her is D'Aniello. The first time I hugged him. I looked like crap, I remember. And this is where the attachment started. He tried to cheer me up because I was upset. And this is where the transfer of all these undealt with feelings ended up going to him.
When it got too hard for me to handle. I told him I liked him. He rejected me like I knew he would and I tried to move on with my life. There was no moving on. I waited until around December and told him again, he rejected me again, which was no big deal, I was expecting it. Then just a few days ago I told him again because I am just not getting this whole rejection thing.
Now, I get it. There isn't anything there. Sure, I find him attractive, sure I might be crushing on him, but not in the degree that I'm thinking I am. There's a lot of stuff I need to deal with.
One: I need to realize that getting molested was not my fault. Two: I need to realize that I don't need to be with someone to make me feel better about myself -- I'm already awesome. Three: Nat and I broke up. Four: Justin doesn't like me. Five: Yuki and I were friends, never meant to be girlfriends. Six: I don't need people to love me to be happy. Seven: I don't need a crush. Eight: I need to deal with my emotions. Nine: Having romantic feelings for someone is a big commitment. Ten: I need to get over it.
And this is just the tip of the iceburg. I make my life so much harder than it needs to be.
The end.
please take this feelings for her inside?
11:13 PM
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11:13 PM
0 commented