Wednesday, February 4, 2009
♥ You're Pushing Me Aside
Have you ever gone somewhere and heard someone talk and realize, you were so wrong about everything? Tonight I was in Youth Group and I met this girl named Candace. She was amazing. She does spoken word which is like rapping, but with poetry. I can seriously relate to her, but before I get into any of that I want to go back and talk about the drama ministry.
We had our first practice tonight which was a little, well, yeaaaaah. I'm, of course, the only one that brought my script. I didn't give one to Alex because I didn't meet with him and, of course, the other people had to lose theirs. Not to mention my contacts were bothering me D:. Anyhow, it was a disaster, but I loved every minute of it. The teenagers don't listen to me, they treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about, but I love it. I love being a leader, I love the people I'm working with, I love drama and most importantly, I love God. I have to take the bad with the good and everything inbetween. I'll get it, I'll get the confidence it takes to lead the drama ministry and I will respect the kids I have to work with.
And while I'm talking about God, you know what I've noticed? We go to God when we have problems, but do we go to God when we're happy? When we don't have problems? Think about it. I've done this too, and right now I'm trying to get better about it. I need God, I want God, this was my choice. It wasn't my parent's choice, or my grand-parents choice or my friend's choice and I know this is seemingly unrelated to what I just said, but if I chose this then why am I doing the bare minimum? I'm not even trying in this relationship. I pour all I can into my other relationships, but I'm severely lacking with my relationship with God and that hurts me. I'm trying harder now, but I still continue to lack in this relationship. Wow, I just said relationship a lot.
I was thinking about the Catholic church and how they have nuns the other day when I was praying outside of my church in my sister's car. And I realized something. The nuns don't get married because they have a marriage to Christ Jesus. That's what I am, I'm married to Jesus. It's not a friendship, it's this strong bond exactly like the bond between a husband and a wife. Now, if there are any homosexuals reading this and going "Looky there, a Christian finally admitted that there's some kind of homosexual relationship going on between Jesus and his male followers." That's not what I said. We're called a lot of things. Children of God, the bride of Jesus, and other stuff. Just because we're 'married' to Christ in a sense doesn't mean the guys that have the same relationship as the women do with Christ are gay for him. That's so weird.
Now that I've gotten off subject to talk about my relationship with God, I'm going to go ahead and get back on subject and talk about the rest of Drama practice and the youth group meeting tonight.
Okay, so, like I said, we only had one script for like 8 people. And my co-co-director was over there doing push ups and crap while I was trying to get everyone to settle down and do what I needed them to do. I had a great time, but I'd like them to think of me as a leader and not as their friend. Sure, I'm friends with most of them...well, all of them actually, but still. In that sense I'm their leader and we have to be ready in like a month. And none of us can remember our lines and it's just really sad and I can't do this with them working against me.
I had to change around some parts because there are people I just cannot rely on to come to practice. And this hurts me. I knew it would be like this, but when my youth pastor came into the room and told me he didn't want to be a part of my drama ministry I was in awe. I had to give his part to someone else and I was just like "We don't have enough people for the parts and you're quitting on me?" It was another bump on the road to this ministry being successful.
I had fun tonight trying to get everyone in order. There was a lot of laughing and playing around, which I don't mind one bit. I love to laugh and play, but I don't like people to be off doing their own thing it's annoying. I think next meeting I'm going to make a point to establish myself as the leader. This is getting ridiculous.
Anyways, I love my drama ministry so I'm done venting about that portion of what's up with me tonight. Now I want to talk about the speaker we had tonight in youth group.
Her name is Candace, her stage name is Chosen and she was amazing. She did a few poems for us tonight then asked people if they had any questions. Then she made a point of asking us questions which was so funny, especially when she got to me.
She was all like "Do you have a question?" And I shook my head "no" and she looks at me (giving me the same look I would've probably given a person like that) and she's like "are you sure?" and I nod and she's like "you look like you have a question" and I shake my head again and she's like "what is it" and I'm like "I don't have one." So she leaves me alone. A few people laughed.
After service I got her, though. I went up to her, gave her a hug and told her "I didn't have a question, but I can relate. I was molested as a child and I've been struggling with my sexuality." Every single day I learn something new about myself like I pawn my feelings off on someone else so I don't have to deal with them. It's easier for me to have a crush on someone than it is for me to deal with those feelings. And there's a person in my life that I've pawned my feelings off on. I like this guy, I do. I might have a small crush on him, but I've just put all the feelings that I haven't been able to deal with for years on this poor kid and I've become some kind of creepy stalker. It's so weird. I've told him my feelings three times in hopes that I can get over them. They aren't going away and now I realize...that they might have not even been there to begin with. I'm so confused on everything.
I'm still questioning my sexuality and it's getting ridiculous! I know it's not supposed to happen overnight, but what the heck? I want to leave this guy alone, but I'm attached to him on some sort of incredibly strange level. I call him and just want to talk to him. He hates that. I don't want to get on his nerves, but once I start I can't stop. I know this is probably incredibly boring and incredibly stupid, but it's my life.
But back to Candace. She gave me her phone number and told me she'd keep in touch. I told her about my drama ministry and she sounded incredibly interested in that. She mentioned it would be cool if we did something with her sometime. Which I found incredibly awesome-soudning.
I'm done with this for now, but I'm gonna post another post after this one with the whole story of this guy I'm pawning my feelings off on.
We had our first practice tonight which was a little, well, yeaaaaah. I'm, of course, the only one that brought my script. I didn't give one to Alex because I didn't meet with him and, of course, the other people had to lose theirs. Not to mention my contacts were bothering me D:. Anyhow, it was a disaster, but I loved every minute of it. The teenagers don't listen to me, they treat me like I don't know what I'm talking about, but I love it. I love being a leader, I love the people I'm working with, I love drama and most importantly, I love God. I have to take the bad with the good and everything inbetween. I'll get it, I'll get the confidence it takes to lead the drama ministry and I will respect the kids I have to work with.
And while I'm talking about God, you know what I've noticed? We go to God when we have problems, but do we go to God when we're happy? When we don't have problems? Think about it. I've done this too, and right now I'm trying to get better about it. I need God, I want God, this was my choice. It wasn't my parent's choice, or my grand-parents choice or my friend's choice and I know this is seemingly unrelated to what I just said, but if I chose this then why am I doing the bare minimum? I'm not even trying in this relationship. I pour all I can into my other relationships, but I'm severely lacking with my relationship with God and that hurts me. I'm trying harder now, but I still continue to lack in this relationship. Wow, I just said relationship a lot.
I was thinking about the Catholic church and how they have nuns the other day when I was praying outside of my church in my sister's car. And I realized something. The nuns don't get married because they have a marriage to Christ Jesus. That's what I am, I'm married to Jesus. It's not a friendship, it's this strong bond exactly like the bond between a husband and a wife. Now, if there are any homosexuals reading this and going "Looky there, a Christian finally admitted that there's some kind of homosexual relationship going on between Jesus and his male followers." That's not what I said. We're called a lot of things. Children of God, the bride of Jesus, and other stuff. Just because we're 'married' to Christ in a sense doesn't mean the guys that have the same relationship as the women do with Christ are gay for him. That's so weird.
Now that I've gotten off subject to talk about my relationship with God, I'm going to go ahead and get back on subject and talk about the rest of Drama practice and the youth group meeting tonight.
Okay, so, like I said, we only had one script for like 8 people. And my co-co-director was over there doing push ups and crap while I was trying to get everyone to settle down and do what I needed them to do. I had a great time, but I'd like them to think of me as a leader and not as their friend. Sure, I'm friends with most of them...well, all of them actually, but still. In that sense I'm their leader and we have to be ready in like a month. And none of us can remember our lines and it's just really sad and I can't do this with them working against me.
I had to change around some parts because there are people I just cannot rely on to come to practice. And this hurts me. I knew it would be like this, but when my youth pastor came into the room and told me he didn't want to be a part of my drama ministry I was in awe. I had to give his part to someone else and I was just like "We don't have enough people for the parts and you're quitting on me?" It was another bump on the road to this ministry being successful.
I had fun tonight trying to get everyone in order. There was a lot of laughing and playing around, which I don't mind one bit. I love to laugh and play, but I don't like people to be off doing their own thing it's annoying. I think next meeting I'm going to make a point to establish myself as the leader. This is getting ridiculous.
Anyways, I love my drama ministry so I'm done venting about that portion of what's up with me tonight. Now I want to talk about the speaker we had tonight in youth group.
Her name is Candace, her stage name is Chosen and she was amazing. She did a few poems for us tonight then asked people if they had any questions. Then she made a point of asking us questions which was so funny, especially when she got to me.
She was all like "Do you have a question?" And I shook my head "no" and she looks at me (giving me the same look I would've probably given a person like that) and she's like "are you sure?" and I nod and she's like "you look like you have a question" and I shake my head again and she's like "what is it" and I'm like "I don't have one." So she leaves me alone. A few people laughed.
After service I got her, though. I went up to her, gave her a hug and told her "I didn't have a question, but I can relate. I was molested as a child and I've been struggling with my sexuality." Every single day I learn something new about myself like I pawn my feelings off on someone else so I don't have to deal with them. It's easier for me to have a crush on someone than it is for me to deal with those feelings. And there's a person in my life that I've pawned my feelings off on. I like this guy, I do. I might have a small crush on him, but I've just put all the feelings that I haven't been able to deal with for years on this poor kid and I've become some kind of creepy stalker. It's so weird. I've told him my feelings three times in hopes that I can get over them. They aren't going away and now I realize...that they might have not even been there to begin with. I'm so confused on everything.
I'm still questioning my sexuality and it's getting ridiculous! I know it's not supposed to happen overnight, but what the heck? I want to leave this guy alone, but I'm attached to him on some sort of incredibly strange level. I call him and just want to talk to him. He hates that. I don't want to get on his nerves, but once I start I can't stop. I know this is probably incredibly boring and incredibly stupid, but it's my life.
But back to Candace. She gave me her phone number and told me she'd keep in touch. I told her about my drama ministry and she sounded incredibly interested in that. She mentioned it would be cool if we did something with her sometime. Which I found incredibly awesome-soudning.
I'm done with this for now, but I'm gonna post another post after this one with the whole story of this guy I'm pawning my feelings off on.
Labels: church, drama, emo, family, friends, jwmwws, poetry, youth group
please take this feelings for her inside?
10:28 PM
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10:28 PM
0 commented